A Most Incredible Adventure ...

Once upon a time, a red-haired girl was having a dreadful childhood. When she turned 16, her stepfather of eleven years killed himself. This happened four years after her "real" father had died of his alcoholism. So, it's fair to say that family life at that time was dreadful. The love she had for her younger brother kept her going - never before had she felt so black. Finally she was growing closer to her two older sisters, but they packed up their pain and grief and took it to the big smoke. The mother was a violent, nasty, self-obsessed bullying alcoholic.

So, a friend of this girl offered her a ticket to go and see a band that were playing at Sydney's Entertainment Centre. She went, not too excited, but glad to get out of the house and do something different. The band was called U2. The red-haired girl went with her friends and her cousin, sat in the second back row ..... and was absolutely blown away. Something happened - Grace, maybe. Her soul was filled to the brim of Power, Love, Faith. U2 have a world-wide reputation for touching their audience extremely intimately, and that night in 1989, this girl got given an outpouring of Hope injected into her soul. She will never forget it. Bono's voice cut through all the black, giving her a glimpse of light.

Now, this girl was itching to finish school and get the hell out of the hell that was home. She left her poor bro, and didn't look back. Finally - she could start taking drugs and drinking EVERY NIGHT, just the way she wanted to. Now she could be happy! The highs were so high! She was funny, pretty, with the longest, reddest, wild red hair you will ever see. She was also angry, bitter, dark, and melancholy. The lows didn't take long. The comedowns, regrets - she quickly grew out of control. Through all of these wild years, she always went to see U2 when they came to town. Always drunk and high - they still reached her. She had all of their albums, knew all of the words. How did they manage to write songs especially for her? (Please, Daddy's Gonna Pay for Your Crashed Car, Stay Faraway So Close).

By now, the girl was living in a wasteland. Gaunt and empty and broken, she started doing the detox and rehab shuffle. Once, she got locked up in a psych ward for trying to kill herself. She knew she had problems - but what was the cause? The unforgiving start to her life, or the booze and drugs? She would drink and drink and drink and pop pills - but one day discovered that just one shot of junk would take her exactly where she wanted to go - complete oblivion. She was a mess, a lost cause, a basket case. She was the person you would look at on the street and quickly avert your eyes from. But there was always the U2 songs - Bono would sing to her, lull her to sleep, give her hope.

Finally, after many, many years out in the wilderness, she knew she had do something. She entered rehab - for the last time. On that same day, U2 released an album full of amazingly hopeful songs of renewal, and grace. (All That You Can't Leave Behind). She ran to buy it before she went in to rehab (again!) and would listen to every track every night under the covers at bedtime, crying and praying. Her boyfriend of eight months (Mr TC) promised he would wait for her. She hoped and wished for her poor head and heart to get better. Songs like Walk on and Grace helped her immeasurably.

Well, what happened when she got out of rehab? She accidently fell pregnant! Everyone around her was aghast - EVERYONE - but, she knew, for the first time in her life, that she was ok. This will be ok, she would tell herself, as her belly swelled. But, she was worried. What if she was only staying clean while she was pregnant? What if - what if. Her stepson came to live with them too - suddenly, she had her own family. It was so important to stop thinking of herself and her own pain, and start taking care of others. She grew - spiritually, emotionally. She talked to like-minded people of her experiences. She became honest. She was so clean, so fragile. The baby came. She was saved by a power of a love she had never known before. Holding him close, breathing his breath. Grace.

A U2 concert was announced! But then cancelled. The girl became a woman. Respected, loved. She started writing - she always wanted to be a writer when she grew up - not a junkie! Finally, U2 were definitely coming. She was having a particularly dreadful year - her husband was very sick, her marriage in a bit of strife. And all she could think about, was the ache in her soul for another baby. She hadn't felt such sadness for years.

The day of the concert - she got to the stadium at 6.30am. There was only a few people there. Feeling a bit self-conscious - she was a grown woman! A mother! She quickly made friends, and waited the whole day in the blazing heat to get as close to the Best Band in the World as possible. Finally, they opened the gates. She ran, and ran, and ran. FRONT OF THE STAGE!!! At the end of the catwalk!!! Giddy, and high, and excited - she waited.

Now, the start-up song came on, lights went down. Behind her, were 60,ooo people. Never, ever, had she felt so elated, so triumphant, and so awestruck. And - not a drink or drug in sight!!! Bono walked on stage - walked, walked - when she realised that he was so close she could reach out and touch him, she cried and cried. Words cannot describe the concert that night. Every lyric, every song, every heartbeat. Every rotten thing that had happened, every miracle, every tear. It was all there and all accounted for. A celebration of life! Her soul was in a Rapture.

Halfway through the concert, Bono was walking slowly up to me. (Yes - this story is true and about me. Did you guess? Ha!) He stopped in front of me, knelt down, and gently took my hand. The crowd crushed me from behind. He was singing a song called "Love and Peace or Else". He stayed there, kneeling, looking deeply into my startled soul for about twenty seconds. It seemed like an eternity. We stared at each other. I was smiling (serenely, I got told later); thanking him with my eyes.

This was no accident. It was like my reward. I could feel Angels, whispering. The birth of my son was the most life-changing, love-giving moment. But that night was just ..... indescribable. Powerful, affirming, intense .... it took me a whole lifetime to get there.

If Bono can stop a concert to kneel down and hold my hand ..... ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, in this crazy, scary, amazing, mysterious world. Anything.


** Wow - that was a bit long, and I had to stop a few times to cry. Must be the hormones! I feel so grateful and amazed for where I am at in my life right now. I can't believe it, truly. Tomorrow I will be 6 weeks pregnant. I'm still shocked that this has actually happened. I can be such a morbid thing - for many years, I would wonder what stage of decomposition my fathers body was in as it lay in his coffin beneath the earth. I'm used to being negative about things - I want this pregnancy to work out so much, the thought of a miscarriage or a blighted ovum or downs .... frankly, is scaring the hell outta me. So different when I had Tiger - I pissed on a stick and wondered what pram to buy!! Oh, how I'd love some of that sunny optimism now!!!

Whew - well done on making it through this whole post, thank you. It's dedicated to anyone who has overcome, or is still experiencing adversity in their lives. Infertility is a bit like drug addiction - hell to go through, can either make you or break you. Makes you a stronger, deeper, and less-judgemental person. Maybe infertility is worse - a drug addict can give up at any time. (Plus, at least you get high!!)



To a fellow U2-lover, Von, who has the joy of being in her 2WW. Go Thelma and Louise!!





Here are some pics .....





Ok - see the big manhand that Bono is about to grab? That. Is. My. Hand.





Jubilant, but a bit ugly! Can't believe I was so close!

All the people behind me.

I took this photo

Me and my Beloved Tiger

Topcat's Top Ten Highlights of IVF

10. After much deliberation, explaining, chemo, and crying .... Mr TC agreeing to IVF. Never has someone shown their love for me like he has; I love him so much right back.

9. Tiger turning to me a few months ago, completely unprompted says "If you want a baby, you have to go to church and ask God."

8. Falling in love with my Gonal-F pen. The egg-multiplying master. Quite strange, shooting up again after all these years. I can't bring myself to throw it away.

7. Introducing myself to the world of TTC blogs - learning and laughing so much with you all. Priceless.

6. Driving with Mr TC in his ute, carrying sackfuls of horseshit and a gutful of ripe follicles. On a bumpy, windy, dirt road - it was SO uncomfortable. After a few "Watch it"s, and "Be careful!"s ..... I finally roared at him - "HON! BE CAREFUL OF MY FUCKING FOLLICLES!THEY ARE FUCKING HURTING!" He got the message ...

5. Suppression? Check. Stimulation? Check. Retrieval? Check. Fertilisation and transfer? Check. Going through all the green lights - getting to move forward, feeling the hope grow at every step. Overwhelming gratitude for that.

4. You can take the junk outta the junkie ..... realising old "habits" die hard. As SOON as I opened my eyes after egg retrieval .... ummmm, asking for more pain killers. I don't actually think I was even in pain. Ahem..

3. This.

2. After my first ever experience with Mr Wandmonkey, I got home and was telling my husband about it. He turns to me, with a LEER and says, "So ... didja like it??" He. Wasn't. Joking.

drumroll ......

1. The funniest, most unforgettable moment in my IVF experience to date - was when my five-year-old Tiger came running down the stairs, jiggling something in his hand. He started chucking it up in the air, catching it. To my horror, I realised it was my used syringe container; all the dirty needles flying around in there. He starts shouting "LEGO!!! WHO BOUGHT THE NEW LEGO??"

Tick Tock

To combat my fears, I have added a ticker. A bold move? Definitely. A bit early? Probably. (The pic just before it was "a bunch of cells!!") I just need a bit of positivity right now.

Hey - anything to get you through, right? I'm already working on my next post, entitled "Topcat's Top Ten Highlights of IVF", which promises to be quite a read. Have a lovely weekend. xo

Whistling in the Dark

Thing is, I had to wait until I felt better before I could post. Finally, I feel better. So, before I quickly turn crap again .. hi!! I got another beta yesterday -

12dp2dt - 66

17dp2dt - 454

So, hooray, right? I should feel happy, right? I checked those figures, and they are quite respectable indeed. However, these past few days have been overwhelming with intense feelings of terror and anxiety, that something is wrong, that I'm about to miscarry. I have no valid reason to feel like this - yesterday I just cried and cried, paralysed with fear and impending doom. Perhaps it's that everything - the weight of these past months - have all hit me. Mr TC couldn't be more disinterested if he tried. I have let most of my work fall by the wayside, concentrating soley on TTC. I now know too much about what can go wrong in pregnancy, and it's scaring me so much! I can't stay in this place for much longer - it's just not healthy. I had dreadful anxiety and depression years ago, thought I had seen the last of those beasts!

So, I have forced myself to have a productive day, I went to a really good AA meeting last night which really helped ground me, today I have been getting my groove back with writing articles ... I just feel so much better. It's easy to tell myself that worrying won't change anything - but feels like I'm just whistling in the dark. Terrified, yet pretending I'm not.

I want to start telling people soon. I need for this to become real - I feel so detached and strange. I can't WAIT for my scan - it's on the 8th of October, nineteen sleeps away. I just want to see a beating heart. But first, I must be patient and wait for that heart to form!

I really need to buy some bigger pants - my gut is popping out all over the place, which is a good sign. Other symptoms - pissing at 5am every morning, extreme tiredness after extreme eating, flashes of anger (I think I preferred my hormones turned OFF, thank you very much!) and slight, tugging feelings in my ute. Today I felt a sharp, stabbing pain just behind my belly button, and thought "That's it. It just died. Great." But then a while later I felt the gentle tugging, which was reasurring.

Out of everyone - I can't wait to tell Tiger the most. I'm sure he is going to be so, so excited. The only people who know are me, Mr TC, my two sisters, and one of Mr TCs friends. I fantasize about having a big belly, and feeling happier about it all. I just need to build a bridge and get over myself. Ha!

Check this out, seriously, WTF!!!!!

Also, please go visit Evil Stepmonster and say hi. She's not even evil, I promise!! Plus, Megan at the Unexplained Years just had her egg retrieval and got a great result!

This Aint No Disco

In typical Pisces fashion, I seem to have completely tuned out. Everything is surreal, like I'm walking around in a fog.

"You had me at the spoof"... seriously, my head is STILL trying to wrap around the fact that Mr TC had viable sperm. The whole way through this delightful IVF process, the defeatist in me was imagining waking up after ER, with the doctor sadly shaking his head, telling me I went through it all for nil, as there were no post-chemo/vasectomy swimmers left. Then the fert report - then the freakin TRANSFER. Man, the transfer!! Beam me up Scottie - the sight of my four-celled wonder on that screen is ingrained in my brain forever. Then watching gobsmacked as it got shot into my uterine galaxy.

Now apparently the fucker has decided to STICK!! Ummm, I keep walking around looking at people - anyone, thinking, "Wow, you were once some cells floating around and then you implanted and grew, and all your blood and flesh and bones formed, and you became a baby and then entered the world!! Amazing!!" Telling my lovely sister Tee how AMAZING the process was (I may have been rabbiting on for a while) ..... she laughingly said "Uh, yeah - it was called Year 8 Biology, remember?"

I feel - shocked. This shit actually WORKS. I'm blown away - and already showing. Yes, I seriously look three months preggers already - leading to someone already guessing!! I need to creatively hold things in front of me, or something, Because even though I want to shout it from the rooftops, it's waaaayyyy too early. It's so fragile - anything could happen at this point. I haven't peed on a stick for DAYS, thankfully. I want to wait a bit, so that hopefully the next time the second line will come up straight away.

As for IVFs-R-Us - they rang me to tell me I'm "officially pregnant". I was a bit worried about the beta of 66, but she said she "graphed it and everything looks fine" .... and I don't need another beta, she will see me in three weeks for a scan. I don't think I can wait that long - even though I'm eating like a horse, already showing, and pissing like a demon, I will still get another beta soon. Just to appease. I think it's quite normal to be anxious at this stage - and I am. But damn ... I'm determined to start enjoying it. Because it might actually work out. Chances get bigger every step of the way. IVF is like Snakes and Ladders from hell. Thus far, I have avoided landing on a snake head. We shall see - it will unfold as it will. All the worry in the world will not make the slightest bit of difference.

Interesting that I have found myself thanking God lately - does this mean I would have been cursing God, if things hadn't gone to plan? Is this divine, or luck? Isn't THAT a bloody loaded question around these parts. I have been to drug rehabs frequently inhabited by women with neglected kids - or 8 months pregnant women who suddenly realise they'd better "get clean now, before the baby comes". And now, my heart aching for the would-be-WONDERFUL mothers with the BFNs, M/C's, the repeated cycles. I like to think I understand a lot in the world - but I don't understand that, truly.

I'm purposely not letting my mind get too ahead of itself ... too freaky. But I know ... somewhere, deep down inside my psyche, I am doing the Cheesiest Most Delirious Happy Dance in All of the Land. Just don't tell anyone.

Clickety Click

Well, at 12dp2dt and 14 days past ER, my beta is 66. I was a bit worried, but have since googled, and realise that it's quite a respectable number. As long as its doubling, then it's all good in the hood. My "official" beta is next Wednesday, so I shall just have to be patient and not worry. All the worrying in the world isn't going to change anything!! My tummy is so big and bloated, plus I have AF-type cramps. If you need me for the next few days, you will find me here.

The most amazing thing in the world happened today with the nurse at my local pathology lab up here. She read my form, and started asking me about IVF - what was it like, how many tries have I had, etc. I was RAVING on, telling her everything .... suddenly she blurts out "Well, I'm looking into starting it soon!" She looked so relieved to tell someone. She has PCOS, and it took her three years to conceive her first child. She has been trying again now for a year, and says she needs help. She told me how hard it was for her to take pregnant womens blood, she has thought of quitting her job because of it. And she started crying!! I just gave her a massive hug, told her to just do it, it's ok - it's hard, but not impossible. She was so grateful, and told me that I was 'meant' to come in and see her today!! By the time we came out she had so many people waiting to get their bloods taken. She's even going to the same clinic as me. I might even go back and give her my number, she was so lovely. We're everywhere, girls! Doesn't it go to show how common IF is?

********** Ummm, it's now an hour after my Beta Googlefest ...... 66 sux.

The Cat's Outta the Bag

"You cannot truly know a persons happiness .... until you know their unhappiness."

I believe that the blow of infertility is softened if you already have a child. It's been a very difficult, emotional, scary year this year - for me and most of the wonderful women I have read. But I'm lucky - I already have a son. Who was even conceived naturally, unplanned ... when I was smoking, and 5 months sober for Chrissake.

As I was driving to all the appointments, and doing all of the invasive things we do during IVF, I kept thinking "Wow, I'm really serious about this". And I am. I tried accepting Mr TC's vasectomy as my lot in life, but no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't. I tried to accept that I would just have one child, and be content with that - but I just couldn't.

I realised yesterday why this was so, so big for me. I'm realising that, due to being born into such a SERIOUSLY dreadful family, I didn't experience love - ummmm, at all! (Except from my nan. She knew, and she loved me fiercely).

I am a loving, giving, warm, funny person. I deserved more. I know that now. I also know, that the love I have for my son cut through all of my sorrow and addiction and pain. It's how I wished my parents - my mother, should have loved me. Rarely - but it still happens, I have mini-meltdowns, and know that something is dreadfully wrong inside, all the crap comes back to haunt me. But I move through it.

I guess, in light of Farahs thought-provoking posts recently .. well, I just can't enter into a "My pain is bigger than your pain". Life has put me through the wringer - the roads I ended up walking down were so hideously black that I should be dead. But I'm not - I'm here. And I'm so grateful for people who have reached out and supported me through this year - while they have been TTC - their first, longer and with more heartache than I will ever know. That's not fair. I believe in the power of positive thought, and I will be cheering anyone on who needs it. I know there are people who have chosen not to comment and converse with me - because I'm not a "True" IFer. That is so ok, and I respect that, truly. But hey - maybe someone who is about to start IVF, is a recovering addict with PTSD from their childhood, who is married to a guy with a vasectomy, maybe they will stumble across my blog and not feel so alone.

I'm a freelance writer, and I have no doubt I will write an article on TTC via IVF soon for a mag or newspaper. I want more people to be better informed, more mindful, more thankful for what they have. I will never, ever again ask someone if they have children. My eyes have been opened to a world that previously, I had the luxury of being completely fucking ignorant about.

As for how I am today ... I'm waiting on my clinic to call me back - their policy is to only be on Crinone for 2 weeks after egg retrieval!! So I'm due to finish in 2 days, which is pretty scary. Plus, I want a bloodtest ... STAT!!!

I did a test with Mr TC this morning - positive. He was shocked - but so lovely. I told him that I will never, ever again doubt his love for me. He said he's so happy for me - but the thought of prams and nappies and strollers make him shudder. And, he reckons he's too old. (41). I said to him - "But you're free!!! You are a free man! Freedom! You can do whatever you want to do!"

This will either end in a healthy baby - or not. I could have a low beta. Or miscarry, or the baby could have birth defects. Or be stillborn. Or die of cotdeath. A meteor could hit us. We might go broke and have to live in a caravan. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it! So I may as well enjoy it while it lasts. I intend to enjoy it - and keep writing about it, hopefully with not too much guilt. (I already have enough guilt to start my own religion).

Today I'm Queen of the Positive Pee Stick - and the luckiest bitch in the world. xoxo

Fuck This Shit. (10dp2dt) ***UPDATED***

Wanna hear something so, so funny? It's a real riot. I keep pissing on sticks! I can't stop! It started last week when I was waiting for the trigger to go - it did. I got a few snow whites. Then at 6dp2dt, I woke up and I kinda just KNEW that shit was going on down there. My boobs were so sore, kept waking up at 5am to piss, and could smell the notes in Tigers poo thirty metres away. I felt slight cramping and tugging, and was a teeny bit nauseous. I. Felt. Pregnant.

I went to my sisters house, didn't test again until Sunday (8dp2dt) - on an expensive test this time. I was in the public toilet of a shopping centre - looked down, and OMG there's a second line. A bit faint, but it's there. Wow. Me and the Universe had a secret - didn't tell anyone. (Still haven't!) So, yesterday I bought some cheaper tests, POASed in the loo of a cafe - why do I keep pissing in public? So classy. Anyway, I got back into my car and put the test on my console, and watched it disappear down the cracks. Forever! It aint budging! So now there is a pregnancy test stuck somewhere in the crevices of my Fancy Schmancy car. What's worse - I didn't even get to read it yet, so I'll never know what that one said.

Now, this is all great. I couldn't believe it, first time lucky, yadda yadda. SO grateful and amazed. I was telling Mr TC that I'm pretty sure it's happened, I can just feel it, etc. Then, last night in bed, I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. And I cried. I felt like it had gone away, or tried but stopped. When I told Mr TC (crying) I said "Well, least you don't have to panic now." He was SO cranky I said that, told me to stop blaming him. So, this morning I do two different types of tests - they are both positive. One faint, but you can definitely see it.

So, I wonder how many more I will piss on? I'm not even attempting to pretend I won't. My beta isn't for another 8 sleeps. I don't believe anything now. I don't believe any pee stick, any sore boobie, any 6th sense, any shit-smelling superpower. I just need to WAIT UNTIL MY BETA. Isn't that what they recommend to begin with?? Ha ha ha. Told you it was funny.

*******Updated - Well, ummmmm, I feel hopeful again. (Sheepish). Pushing my trolley around the supermarket, I was salivating over chilli sauce and chips and dips. Literally salivating like Homer. And my tummy feels - full. I bought a three-pack of cheapie pee sticks, and a two-pack of expensive ones. I know, I know, - but I'm beyond help. Plus, I will "officially" do a pee test in the morning, when Mr TC is here. OMG!!! Now, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, or next week, or freaking next month ..... but fuck it. Put the kettle on - Hope's arrived!!

Wooo hooo!!

9dp2dt

It's such a beautiful day up here! Spring has sprung, and it just makes me all gooey inside - I live in a place that usually snows in winter, so to finally feel the warmth in the sun again is wonderful. It's funny - it's only until I got sober that I realised how distinctly different the seasons are. Sounds strange, but I had never noticed. (You don't tend to notice much in that state except when your next welfare payment is due). How amazing is autumn! Even though I know it's signalling that the dreaded winter is coming, I'm still blown away by its beauty.



So, back home. Had a fantastic time away, I caught up with both of my sisters which was great. I wish we lived closer. The nicknames I gave them last year is Tee and Rex, as in T-Rex. This is because they have pathetic little dinosaur hands. (They are ALWAYS bagging my big manhands out). Watching Tee the other day in her kitchen, feebly struggling to drain her heavy saucepan, I was pissing myself laughing at her. Of course, I didn't offer to help, because I was in such a *delicate* state, heh heh. Didn't I milk that for all it was worth. Speaking of which .... well, I just don't know. Even if I DO POAS today, I won't know officially until next week. Plus, Mr TC really doesn't want me to. So .... the waiting continues. I'm quite worried about Mr TC, he's not himself lately and seems a bit depressed. He's usually such a big tough guy. I'm scared that it's because of the IVF - and that what could be an amazingly fantastic result for me .... is not so much for him. I wish we were on the same page. I wish he wanted this as much as I do. Feels like one of us is going to be disappointed! I hate that!



Anyway, here - with a distinctive Aussie flavour, are my Rockin Girl Blogger Awards:

• Von at Murphy is a Bastard. I heart Von. The mind of a rebel and the soul of a poet, Von has been on the fucked-up IF journey for too long - and still has the grace to advise and help me, an annoying newbie who threatened to sink like a sack'o'shit at any slightly bad news. As Von enters an FET this week, I have asked the Universe that she gets her dream. It's funny to care about people we've never met, isn't it?


• Maya at Gemini Girl. GG is preggers with twins, hoorah! I love hearing about her escapades in New York, as she negotiates crappy bathrooms, people who won't give up their seats on the subway, and a growing belly.


• Vee at the Sweet Life. Sydney girl Vee has shown grace and courage with all she has gone through this year. She and Max will make wonderful parents one day. Vee is also an amazing illustrator - check out Vee's Imagination.


• Mony from Mrs Negative. Not a whisper of complaint about her pregnancy, Mony and Hef have handled their hurdles beautifully, and with humour. Once I mustered the bravery to comment on her blog - and she commented back! She was a real live person! Mony is very popular - but always shares herself around in equal parts. She just rocks.


• I'm also not being sexist and nominating two guys ... Trevor at Triplets, or Oh My God We're Outnumbered! Trevor and his wife Breda have triplets - and they seem like pretty cool people ... all five of them. Trevor blogs with humour and gratitude - can't go wrong. Frank N Beans from Fertile Frank is one very, very funny guy. Swing past and offer your support - he and his wife are about to commence IVF for the first time.

Thank you to Anna and Amy R for nominating me! I read everyone on my blogroll. I cry for you, cheer you all on, and just learn and laugh so much. Thanks for showing me that I'm not alone. xoxo

Toughing it Out ... Bondi Style

I had to get away ... going MENTAL. I know you all know what I'm talkin 'bout. So, I headed INto the APEC fiasco that is Sydney this weekend, and am firmly ensconced at my sister Tee's house, Bondi Beach. Proudly showing her my blue veiny boobs today, she swiftly pulls her tits out and says "Mate, check out MY blue veins". She's not remotely close to being preggers, so I thanked her for crushing my dreams in one fell swoop. George Bush is in town ... we watched him refer to us as "Austrians" on the news tonight. Laughed our heads off.

I'm getting used to the 2WW - and have found myself realising that the past week has been so huge, I'm glad to have some time to process it all. And as the uber-cool Chicklet said, "enjoy thinking it might have worked".

I'm not touching my tummy much. Just taking it easy. I really needed to settle the fuck down, actually. I feel a bit numb. Wondering if certain things could possibly be "real" pregnancy symptoms, even though I know it's so early - is there anything that can't be attributed to progesterone? High temp, constipation, tiredness, blue vein boobies, chin hairs, moodiness ... ALL of these can be blamed on progesterone!

(Except chin hairs - I've always had them).

There's Just Such a Long Way to Fall

Is it wrong to publish pictures on your blog of your husband .... when he has no idea of the existence of your blog?




Furthermore, is it wrong to publish pictures of your identical twin sisters who were bridesmaids at your wedding - knowing FULL WELL they read your blog, but doing it anyway, just to gauge their reaction?

The most important question of all would be ... is it wrong to spend your 2WW in a looney bin, because you've gone certifiably insane??

Will I blog about how I think I'm pregnant? Or, I could blog about how I think I'm NOT pregnant. Will I talk about how I have been manically googling 4dp2dt ALL FREAKING DAY, sometimes crying, sometimes hopeful? Lucky my job is at home, in front of my computer. Or, will I mention the loud, lone thought that sifted to the front of my consciousness today "Well, I don't want a baby ANYWAY. So NER!!!!" (I believe I may have been talking to the heavens; not so sure).

***sigh*** To all my poor, poor, fellow peeps in the 2WW quagmire, this one's for you.

Being a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, I enjoy doing things I'm not supposed to do. So, the whole contentious issue that is to POAS or not to POAS ..... I'm pretty fucking sure which side I'm gonna be on. Cruel blow - my 2WW actually starts today. In two weeks exactly, I will know. (I will know). So, of course I'm gonna POAS before then. Probably. Maybe not. Oh, who am I kidding, of course I will. But, nothing is proven until the Beta call. What do y'all reckon? What will/did you do? Pass me the lube - I want tons of assvice.

**sigh**

I'm so sorry to hear of recent bad news with some lovely IFers. It's just bullshit. Meanwhile, the young single junkies are popping their babies out like there's no tomorrow. Here in Australia, you get a "Baby Bonus", I think it's four thousand bucks. And then straight onto welfare. I just don't get it.

To answer a few questions - I only got one embryo transferred because Mr TC is SO paranoid of twins. (I wouldn't mind, myself!) But, seeings how he compromised so much anyway, we only put one in. Plus, my clinic don't advise two at all.

Also, they did actually end up finding my left ovary. It's still sore from the ER - it must be in such a hard to reach place that they really had to scrape at it.

I decided long ago ...(never to walk, in anyone's shadow. Hmm hmmm hmmm ...... oh sorry) Ahem. I decided long ago, that if I actually ever get lucky enough to make it to the 2WW, then I will post the story about how Bono held my hand last year. So that one's coming up.

Did I mention I'm in the 2WW? But that's enough about me. What do you think of me?

The 2WW - A New Kind of Torture

• 3dp2dt. All I can think about is implantation. Is it happening now? Will I get spotting?What the hell's goin on in there? How many cells is it up to? Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll?
• I am nauseous, tired, and constipated. Thankyou, Crinone.
• Waiting on IVF's-R-Us to call me back. I want to ask why wasn't I given the option of going to blast, and can I go straight to an FET next cycle if this doesn't work. (Prefer to ask that now, rather than in 2 weeks hysterically crying)
• The Two Week Wait sux dogs balls badly. It turns ordinary women into obessives - I was already obsessive to begin with! I'm FUCKED!
• When I think that this isn't going to, ummm, end well - panic rises, and a lump forms in my throat. As the days continue I will be getting quite worried about my mental health.
• I have waaaaaayyyyyyy too much time on my hands. This is no good!
• My UTI seems to have abated, hoorah!
• If someone told me that to get pregnant, I would have to paint myself green and do a half pike triple somersault in front of a crowd of spectators, naked, I would. TWICE.

That is all.

1dp2dt.. the Shooting Star.. and a Sore Pisser!

Well. I have MUCH to say. So please get comfy! Firstly, I'm still in shock ... that my husband is so freakin virile. I'm still dumbstruck by Thursday's Cup Overfloweth Sperm Episode. I've slowly realised that I really, honestly thought that he wouldn't have any sperm left. That at least going to all this trouble would stop any relationship issues down the road. Of course, I hoped and dreamt, but during the treatment my mind has tried to stay calm, not letting me get carried away with the whole Baby Dream, lest the fall be too much.

To have 22 eggs retrieved - out of which 12 fertilised, 1 was transferred yesterday, and 8 were frozen. Now, I have slowly realised that my clinic should be called IVF's-R-Us ... I have never seen the same doctor or nurse more than once, so personalised care is non-existent. So I don't even know their criteria for freezing - but the scientist (that's what they call themselves!) was pleased with the whole nine.

Watching my embryo transfer yesterday, I was dumbstuck, dumfounded, enthralled, excited. I didn't even mind spreading my legs! (Well, maybe a bit.) However, thanks to this post of Geohde's, all I could think about was - what size speculum had he used, and more importantly, are my vaginal walls meeting in the middle?

I couldn't wait to see the embie. I wanted to take a photo of the monitor - but instead, I actually had to hold the ultrasound to my uterus! I had to help the doctor! In another room, the scientist was getting the embie ready - and there it was on screen, all four cells, waving hi. Look mum, no hands! Un-freakin-believable! Like an episode of Star Trek! Through the microphone, the scientist said "Topcat, C. Whiskers, is that you?" His voice was so distorted, it actually sounded like "Meat or bean or half and half?". I had to confirm the embie was mine, then watched it get sucked up in the catheter "Wheeeeeeeee" - he comes in and hands it to the doc, who told me to watch the screen. I did - and saw the precise moment he was shot into my uterus. It was like a shooting star in a galaxy. "I saw it! I saw it!" I was so giddy. "Wow! OMG! That is SO amazing! Isn't that amazing?" The doc just nodded, amused. "I guess you're used to it now, hey." He said he was. Aware I was babbling, I couldn't stop. "It's still amazing though!Wow!"

I walked out, four cells heavier. I thought that it would have been more than four, but the scientist said they like them to be four at 2 days old. Had an HcG injection, given a date to return for a blood test (September 19th - 17 sleeps away!) Then drove home. In amazement. I rested as much as I could yesterday - the nurse said I didn't have to rest, to go and do something nice for myself. But I wanted to lie down. Felt a bit fragile, not wanting to move around much.

So, my scientific quest on "What the cells are up to now" .... has led me to some interesting discoveries. For instance, technically, the embie should still be travelling in the tube towards my uterus. Being released early, for good behaviour, makes me wonder what's going on in there? Is the embryo just like a pinball, cruising around wherever it wants? I guess it's instincts will lead it over to implant ... or not. How incredible. How totally ..... random. This is all such a big gamble, really.

All bets are off, at this point. The roulette wheel is still spinning. Black or red? Implant or die? Pregnant or not? Ecstasy or heartbreak?

I did POAS yesterday, just to see how strong the second line would be, so I will have something to compare the inevitable future pee sticks to. I'm feeling calm. A few silly thoughts .... I feel like a Coca Cola IT'S A CRAVING! Twinges down below I'M OVULATING! I love my husband so much HORMONES KICKING IN! Undoing my pair of socks this morning, foolishly punching myself in the tummy - hard YOU'VE KILLED IT! Don't count your chickens I'M PREGNANT UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE!

I overheard Mr TC talking about the transfer on the phone today, saying "Yeah, she got her eggs implanted yesterday." Don't know HOW I managed to keep a straight face.

Now, before you think I'm a freaking lucky bitch, how dare I have such a fucking successful outcome this far - AND I already even HAVE a kid, for fucks sake ..... guess who has a motherfucking urinary tract infection? Give you a clue - it's me. So I'm quite (very) worried already. (Note to self - do NOT google pregnancy + antibiotics at three o'clock in the morning when you already can't sleep.) I rang IVF's-R-Us this morning, useless. Visited a GP today, who took a urine sample that he'll get back in 2 days. I'm worried that a)my precious 4 cells are getting attacked by evil bacteria b) my precious 4 cells will get attacked by evil antibiotics, if I take them.

I got it either during egg collection, or from the Crinone applicators. It burns after I do a whiz - not pissing razorblades yet, hopefully it won't get that bad. My urine sample was quite clear though, not cloudy - so maybe I just have a sore urethra? I can't do anything about it right now, so I may as well try not to worry too much. (Ha ha).

That's all my news. Terribly self-obsessed at the moment, and have hardly left comments for anyone, sorry. The whirlwind is slowing down. The lovely Amy R has just had her transfer too - she recently nommed me for a Rockin Girl Blogger Award, so I'll get crackin on that soon.

Oh my - I'm in the 2WW.

Today is Fathers Day down here in Oz. I made Mr TC a teeny, tiny card. On the outside it said "Happy Fathers Day!" On the inside I wrote:

"Dear Dad,

Thanks for giving me a chance. If this works out, I'm really looking forward to meeting you.

Lots of love,
Your Four Cells xoxoxoxox"

Mr TC nearly cried.